A growing number of young people today refuse to participate in activities considered as normative for their age. Many miss classes or stop attending school altogether, avoid social gatherings, do not come to family events, reject gainful employment, and sometimes even refrain from leaving their room for days on end.
For many, the life of seclusion and avoidance has become the norm. No longer do kids and young adults go out and meet friends as they used to. Instead, they prefer to immerse themselves in social life on-screen – or not at all. Many feel that managing face-to-face relationships is too hard, not worth the hustle.
Connection
All of us know that something has changed: overly dependent individuals (mainly boys, 10-30 years old) complaining of boredom, lacking motivation, disconnected.
As parents, educators and therapists, we ask ourselves what we can do to support them, to prompt them to move forward with their lives.
We witness the dramatic change in their behavioral patterns, and there is nothing we want more than to help them grow and become independent, to equip them for dealing with the challenges of living in the world of today.
Comparing oneself continuously to the seemingly perfect lives of others breeds social anxiety, unhappiness and dissatisfaction. Today’s kids, adolescents and young adults are flooded with countless messages relaying glamorous stories of economic and social success that make them feel inferior – be it their peers enjoying exciting activities or celebrities with their mansions and orthodontically perfect smiles. Unaware of the impact these messages have on their self-esteem, a young people will keep drawing these comparisons, and eventually end up with the feeling that their lives are a puny and miserable waste of time.
Instead of developing a critical stance vis-à-vis such a barrage of unrealistic reports, young people resort to self-blame and come to see themselves as flawed creatures, who cannot participate as equals in their social environment.
Kids and young adults have the need to connect – this is the reason so many of them spend all their time in front of the screen. This kind of connection, however, comes at a very high price. A strong and stable sense of self is rooted in genuine and healthy connections, to others and to oneself. Such connections foster vitality, motivation to work, emotional resilience, and compassion toward oneself, even in the face of failure.
Openness
Disconnection and avoidance are attempts to resolve the problem of not belonging and to silence the inner voices that trumpet differences and stir up the pain of otherness. Many kids are overwhelmed with shame at being unable to feel they are part of the group. They secretly fear their friends don’t really like or respect them. They force themselves to try to adapt to their social environment, but often still inwardly know they are different.
The silence that permeates disconnection, lack of belonging and alienation to a large extent also perpetuates these states. It is usually hard for young people to admit to their great need to belong.
Avoidant individuals are usually no big talkers. They do not like to talk about themselves – their problems, feelings, thoughts or relationships. Yet, although they seem content to keep silent and be invisible, many would rather talk and be seen – if only it didn’t involve so much effort. Many experience their silence and isolation as a kind of paralysis or as a failure. We would expect such feelings to prompt them to break out of their self-isolation, but since that is so difficult for them, their lives remain stuck and in impasse.
Opening up requires time and patience. Kids and young adults have their own pace in admitting, to themselves and to others, that they have difficulties and need to do things differently. To develop their emotional regulation skills, we expose them to their feelings gradually.
Flexibility
Avoidance and seclusion are often the result of rigid thinking that does not allow for flexible solutions. This stubborn disposition is a product of anxiety from the unknown, the experience of failure and uncertainty – all of which are a necessary part of life. Flexibility requires courage and a willingness to take risks. In our therapeutic work we identify for the person their rigid thought patterns, and together, in a collaborative spirit, analyze their pros and cons.
Ultimately we construct change plans based on gradual and non-threatening changes.
Avoidance and seclusion are often the result of rigid thinking that does not allow for flexible solutions. This stubborn disposition is a product of anxiety from the unknown, the experience of failure and uncertainty – all of which are a necessary part of life. Flexibility requires courage and a willingness to take risks. In our therapeutic work we identify for the person their rigid thought patterns, and together, in a collaborative spirit, analyze their pros and cons. Ultimately we construct change plans based on gradual and non-threatening changes.
Today, kids and adolescents prefer to play at home, on the computer. Going out to the field is fraught with a plethora of uncertainties: will they meet other children? what kind of encounters will these be? will they play well or badly? will their team win or lose? All these questions cause anxiety and make them reluctant to set out.
Being part of a group is of paramount importance for young people’s normal development. Positive emotions such as happiness, joy, tranquility and satisfaction arise when they feel they are part of a welcoming group. Conversely, when they feel they do not belong, are rejected or scapegoated, they are beset by strong negative emotions and can develop anxiety and aggressive behaviors.
Rigidity is often perceived as a sign of power oriented behaviours, unwillingness to cooperate and resistance. According to this perception the rigid child or young adult do not understand “who the boss is” and need more difficult means to “understand”.
The way to regulate these situations consists of helping the person to contain situations of frustration, loss and injury in a more successful way and at the same time work with his or her parents – to teach them how to avoid escalating situations, how to stand up respectfully and how to quickly neutralize explosive situations.
Motivation
The strongest driving force for any action are our emotions: they are the compass that propels us in the right direction and also provides the fuel to move forward. When individuals are not connected to their feelings, they lose both the direction and the fuel. The decrease in the will to act involves many areas including schooling and various physical and social activities.
School is just one area the decline in motivation is clearly perceptible.
The other is the social realm, where many lack the will to face or explore the new and the unfamiliar. This passivity becomes all the more dramatic during leisure hours, and especially the summer break. In the past, that was the time to go out, meet up with friends, play outdoors. Young people used to love this kind of unstructured existence. Today, in default of any external frameworks they find stimulating, many spend the entire summer break at home, moving from screen to screen, and constantly complaining of boredom.
While young children who lack motivation and refuse to go to school can be compelled using moderate physical force, when an older individual is recalcitrant, the only option is to verbally convince him that his behavior is harming him.
Such attempts, however, are not effective because the avoidant individual often believes his or her future are already ruined; there is nothing left to save but their honor, and that he can do only by refusing to play the game. Needless to say, young people cannot understand all the complexities of their behavior and hence cannot put all this into words. For them, staying at home is a proactive move – it saves them further failures and pain.
Motivation comes with confidence that our efforts will bear fruit. The ability and willingness to forgo immediate gratification are anchored in the anticipation of substantial rewards in the future – otherwise the investment logic fails.
