Patterns of isolation and avoidance may reflect serious psychological difficulties. Without prompt and proper attention from those around them, these young people may develop behaviors that will lead to a marked decline in educational and social functioning and even compromise basic activities such as eating, sleeping, and maintaining hygiene.
Connecting with Self
Disconnection and avoidant behaviors that are nowadays so widespread among young people are, in part, a counter-reaction to the prevalent cultural climate in which leading an ordinary life as an ordinary person is often sneered at and considered degrading. For many, exceptional success is the only aim that is worth pursuing. When they feel such goal is unattainable, they give up, drop out, feel shame and hide.
One of the main reasons that young people avoid, isolate and refuse help is their conviction that they cannot succeed. Underlying this belief is an unregulated sense of shame, which gives rise to recurring, debilitating thoughts such as, “You have no chance of making good!” “You are a nobody!” “Why bother at all?! Everything’s lost!”
An avoidant person’s disengagement from social and school activities, intended initially a means of reducing shame, leads to the opposite result – increasing and intensifying that emotion. By withdrawing from these activities he or she make themselves different from the others, “the kid that doesn’t come to class.”
Thus, as the disconnection process is amplified, the avoidant person forfeits not only the experience of belonging but also his identity as a student, a family member, a member of society. Without an identity, the person is more comfortable, because he has created for himself a world without expectations. However, the costs are heavy. He becomes estranged from society and invisible, and this often delays his development.
As the failures pile up, avoidance and withdrawal become the preferred coping strategies, and in extreme situations, even a way of life. When a person disconnects from himself, his feelings, people who surround him, and other important aspects of reality, he forfeits the experiences that reveal his true needs. At the same time, his life becomes emptier, more monotonous, and more boring.
The shame regulation therapeutic process is based on the Systemic-Mirroring treatment approach which we developed at the institute. During the course of therapy, we produce connection experiences in three domains of life where disconnection dominates – connection to the self (through the cultivation of honesty), connection to a significant other (through the development of intimacy) and connection to the group (through the increase of belonging experiences). These connecting experiences, each in its own way, evoke self-acceptance and the will to face life’s challenges with courage.
Connecting with Others
We work with avoidant individuals in the spirit of the period – we incorporate technological means such as video games that allow them to feel in a safe environment where they can demonstrate knowledge and competence. With the help of computer games, we strive to provide them with experiences of success that will allow them to feel capable and develop the motivation to learn new skills.
Playing games is the main way for young people to learn how to regulate shame. Games have winners and losers, top dogs and underdogs, rankings, medals and other devices symbolic of status and success. In games, kids encounter obstacles and need to overcome them. As they learn more and more games, they realize that the initial stage is the most difficult one, and that, if they persist, things will become easier. Through games, kids, adolescents and young adults learn to be part of a team, to collaborate and to connect to others. And it is through challenge and competition – whether in the football field, at the chessboard, struggling to master the intricacies of violin, or playing Dungeons and Dragons – that they also learn to connect with themselves and get to know who they are.
In the face of a sad, boring or painful reality, games have always been a source of comfort. As opposed to daily routines, in the game, young people experience value, purpose and interest; this has always been the case and remains so now. However, in the last two decades, kids have given up traditional games (like board games, or ball games) and are increasingly concentrating on a variety of computer games, which often resemble games that boys have played in the past, but in fact are different, such that their influence is changing them in fundamental ways.
By using computer games therapeutically, we manage to captivate and engage young people who otherwise would have dropped out of therapy. Through these games we are able to motivate them to do the hard work of reconnecting. We use these games as platforms for communicating, developing relationships, and for enhancing possibilities for collaboration.
Connecting with the Body
At first, avoidant individuals stay away from others to avoid feeling hurt, weak and inferior, but as time goes on, they come to believe that they have no right to belong, and so remain at home. The longer the disconnection, the less the urge to be with others.
Just as with people who stop eating and lose desire for food, stopping social activity may lessen one’s desire to meet others and capacity to enjoy social interaction.
Prolonged isolation causes one to detach even more and to become wary of any social contact. Over time, their vulnerability increases as well, such that other children and adults are perceived as a threat that calls for extreme protective measures. Even family members, the ones who were a safe haven before, come to be seen as a menace, to be kept at a distance.
Yet the disconnection processes do not stop there and often include the disconnection and the ignoring of their own bodies. Actually, one of the major side effects of the process of isolation and avoidance is the detachment that the person experiences from his body. In this process, the withdrawing person lives as if his body is not part of him, a kind of object that is of no use.
One of the main benefits of our physical empowerment therapeutic work is that they are felt immediately. The connection to the body brings back sensory experiences that were absent from the person’s experience, increases awareness and accentuates that change is not only possible but also feels good.
Another advantage is that therapeutic work is not based solely on words and discourse – something that is difficult and sometimes impossible for people who have been detached from others (and themselves) for long periods of time.
Through our body empowerment protocol the young person encounters difficulty and challenge, experiences of failure and the empowerment involved in overcoming them. This enhances emotional resilience and self-worth that stems from a true connection to strengths and abilities.
Connecting with Nature
Disconnection and avoidance reveal themselves not only as disconnection from self and others but also as disconnection from nature and the external environment.
Many young people today suffer from a “nature-vitamin” deficiency. They spend long hours sitting in front of the screen, avoiding going out, meeting others, and interacting with the physical world.
Being in nature has clear benefits. Not only does it counter the anxiety of being out/seen/exposed but it also provides a unique setting for regulating emotions and developing various skills that contribute to a sense of self-efficacy. The pace at which things occur in nature – in contrast to the speed to which young people are accustomed to in the technological world, allow for the development of new perspective on life.
For many young people, the conventional therapeutic experience can be very threatening. It requires verbal skills, the ability to open up and to experience a certain type of intimacy. As a result, many avoidant individuals who seek treatment fail to talk about what is really bothering them, which leads to frustration and a sense of failure.
In our approach we venture outside practicing pragmatic skills. The encounter is experiential and not based on words. The pragmatic coping experiences in nature are concrete and realistic thus promoting tangible success experiences that feel real and foster a trusting relationship with the therapist.
